I was going to write a series of posts on Twitter about how the guy who can't open ziploc bags is in line to become a manager at Fresh & Easy, but then inspiration hit me. It's been years since I did an Angry Jake cartoon and the world deserves better than a string of tweets that will be forgotten in a few hours.

Big thanks as always to Joe Bowen for the art.

Many Republicans are calling for Harry Reid's ouster from his leadership position because of the precedent set by then-Senate minority leader Trent Lott, who came under fire in 2002 for saying the country "wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years" if Strom Thurmond had been elected president in 1948. Lott was accused of embracing and endorsing Thurmond's vicious, segregationist platform.

Based on Lott's resignation from his leadership position, I agree there is reason to call for Reid to do the same. But, rather, I think this incident is a reminder of why Lott's comments were so thoroughly blown out of proportion. Consider the situation. Lott, as the most powerful Republican in the Senate, was asked to say a few words about Strom Thurmond at his 100th birthday party. I think we can all agree that a birthday party is one occasion where we gloss over a guest of honor's negative qualities. If Bruce Willis lives to be 100, no one is going to bring up Hudson Hawk or Color of Night during a toast.

Trent Lott was given the task of going up and saying some nice things about a guy who'd managed to outlive a lot of the ideas he represented early in his career. He chose not to go into Thurmond's judicial history where he refused to seat any blacks on a jury for a black defendant who'd killed a white man in self-defense, then neglected to instruct the jury to consider self-defense, and ultimately sentenced the man to death. Lott left out the part where Strom Thurmond set the Senate record for the longest filibuster ever to prevent the Civil Rights Act of 1957 from being considered. He failed to bring up Thurmond's rallying cry during the 1948 election that "there’s not enough troops in the army to force the Southern people to break down segregation and admit the nigger race into our theaters and swimming pools, into our homes and into our churches.”

And who can blame him?

My grandmother distrusted Jews, but at her funeral, we left that out of the eulogy. My other grandmother refers to Kobe Bryant and LeBron James as "those black boys who play the basketball," but I don't bother to correct her. My uncle claimed the White House killed my grandfather and was responsible for cloudy days, but at his 50th birthday party, neither topic was mentioned before we cut the cake.

Lott's error seems to lie in politeness and political glad-handing. Reid's appears born of ignorance. Lott's desire to be nice to an extremely old man led him to tacitly endorse segregation. Reid somehow has risen to a position of power in a political party that has built it's reputation for the last 50 years on a basis of civil rights without learning that "Negro" is an antiquated term. But concluding that either is a racist is unfounded.

In 2007, Baltimore Ravens cornerback Samari Rolle accused head linesman Phil McKinnely for calling him "boy" during a game. First off, it should be noted that McKinnely is also black. Second, the context of McKinnely's statement was that Rolle was complaining about a call when McKinnely told him "Just play, boy." McKinnely, it was noted, had kids about the same age as Rolle and the other players he shared the field with every Sunday, and saying somethings like, "Come on, boys, play's over. Get back to your huddles," was more about age than respect or social status.

When I heard this story, I remember being shocked. "You mean there are still people who consider 'boy' an insult?" I said. I understand that in the 1960's and into the 70's it was a big deal. Bear in mind that my entire understanding of this era is based on movies of the era where portly, self-important Southern sheriffs would call a confident black man "boy" with a condescending tone meant to put the black man in his place and establish a social hierarchy where the Man was superior to the Boy. Of course, this would lead to a confrontation where the insulted black man would stand up to the fat racist (whether consciously or subconsciously) sheriff and demand to be called by name or "sir" or would suggest "Boy? Boy lives in the jungle with Tarzan, man!"

Has anyone truly used the term "boy" as an insult since 1980? Shouldn't phrases have some kind of statue of limitations after which they stop mattering? I understand "nigger" has some staying power, but, seriously, if you heard someone say "jungle bunny" in anything but an ironic fashion, you'd feel more pity than insult. "Oh, dear... does he think that phrase has any weight to it? How sad." However, unlike those previous examples, the word "boy" is a common word used in every day conversation. Millions of people refer to boys every day without intending any insult at all.

If Phil McKinnely had said, "Quit complaining about the call and just play the game, you spearchucker," there would be no question of the intent. If Trent Lott had said, "If only Strom Thurmond had been elected, we wouldn't have had all these problems over the years... with darkies using the same public restrooms I do," we'd have a smoking gun. If Harry Reid had said, "Barack Obama is electable because he doesn't sound like a coon," there would be no question that he had to step down. But none of them said any of those things. And more importantly, none of them meant those things.

Being a writer, this might not be the best stand for me to take, but I wish people would come to realize words really aren't that important.

The proper thing for a sufficiently pompous wordsmith to say here would be something about how language is man's greatest accomplishment and that the correctly chosen word can be more powerful than an army. The truth is that ideas are powerful and words that express those ideas derive power by association.

Entire books have been written about how political operatives study the impact of words to push forward their agendas. Years ago, we saw it with the use of "death tax" versus "estate tax." "Death tax" conjures up an image of someone having to pay just to die. Totally unfair! "Estate tax" puts one in mind of someone living in a big house on a hill with a a large twenty-four seat dining table in a dining room with original oil paintings by Michelangelo and Rembrandt and a rotating bed with pink chiffon and zebra stripes and a bathtub shaped like a clam and an office with orange and white stripes and an all red-billiard room with a giant stuffed camel and a disco room with his own disco dancers and a big backyard with Grecian statues, S-shaped hedges and three swimming pools. Screw that jerk, he should pay for having all that stuff I don't!

More important than what someone says is why they said it. The fact of the matter is there are a lot more ways to say something wrong than there are to say it right and most people are too lazy, too ignorant, too apathetic, or all three to make sure every sentence out of their mouths has been fully edited for content.

What upsets me is the ever-growing tendency of the fringe media to latch on to someone saying something that might be construed as offensive for some reason and make it out to be a deliberate attack. Most recently, the right-wing has blown up Senate leader Harry Reid's comments about Barack Obama's lack of a "Negro dialect" as proof that the Nevada senator is a racist. What fails to be addressed is why a racist would encourage a black man to run for president and then campaign for him.

Instead of considering what Harry Reid was thinking, we focus on the fact that he used an outdated term that is considered offensive to many. It doesn't prove that he hates black people. It suggests that he doesn't hang out with many of them. It suggests that he's out of touch. It suggests many things that might make voters reconsider whether he is the best choice to represent them, but it in no way suggests racism.

The right-wing is far from the only dog in this fight. Keith Olbermann regularly prompts me to change the channel when he fixates on one word or phrase uttered by a Republican and declares him the Worst Person in the World. Off the top of my head, I recall Rep. Lynn Jenkins of Kansas being called out for saying the Republican Party was looking for a "great white hope" because of the phrase's racist origins.

In 1910, the phrase was coined by people who couldn't stand Jack Johnson, a black man, being heavyweight boxing champion. It became the nickname of James Jeffries, a former champion who came out of retirement "for the sole purpose of proving that a white man is better than a Negro."

The thing is that term "great white hope" has evolved in the past hundred years and now has more to do with rare, inspirational, phenomenal talent that defies the odds than the refusal of white America to accept a black athlete as equal to a white one. Newspapers are looking for a "great white hope" that will keep their industry alive. Green Bay Packers fans dubbed Reggie White "the Great White Hope" for triggering the team's turnaround from perennial NFC doormat to Super Bowl champions. NBC is looking for a "great white hope" to spark its primetime ratings.

What Rep. Jenkins meant was that things were kind of bleak for the GOP following the 2008 election and it needed a shot in the arm. Something along the lines of "I don't know exactly what it's going to take to turn things around, we need someone out of the ordinary to step up and lead us out of the wilderness." When Jenkins responded that she was unaware of the racial connotations of the phrase, Olbermann noted that she'd voted to support a bill pardoning Jack Johnson for violating the Mann Act in 1913 and therefore must have known the history of the phrase.

For the record, the bill was passed by unanimous consent, meaning there was no debate and anyone on the floor pretty much just said, "Yeah, whatever. Let's get through all this procedural bullshit so we can debate stuff that matters a little more than the gesture of clearing the criminal record of a guy who's been dead for sixty years."

Similarly, Olbermann attacked another Republican for calling someone a "pansy." His assessment was that the man in question was a homophobe or, if he's not, he should look into the origin of the term "pansy."

Technically, I believe the term "pansy" originates from the flower of the same name. To call someone a pansy is to compare them to a flower, weak, wilting, non-threatening. "I'm tough, you're not. I'm like a rock, you're like a pansy." Pansy, like "sissy," may have become an anti-gay slur, but the vast majority of people use it to mean someone who is weak and cowardly. It's intellectually dishonest to condemn people for saying things they didn't mean and/or to imply they are ignorant for using a common term or phrase without knowing it's etymology. When you already disagree with so much that your opponents are saying, why do you have to make up things to be outraged about?

Okay, we've already covered the fact that you don't need to sign your Facebook posts. "Hey, I might be interested. I'll put my name here just in case you have short term memory damage and forgot who was writing this over the course of reading two sentences and the photo of my to the left of those two sentences fails to trigger any recall."

The real lesson to be gleaned from this comment is not to ask questions you can easily figure out for yourself as it exposes you as lazy, stupid, or both.

Hmm, where could someone who is currently on the internet get more information about a 5K walk at the Phoenix Zoo? Ooo, that's a tough one. If only there was some kind of engine that allowed you to search for things. I bet if you invented that, you'd be like a billionaire or something!

Hey, crazy idea! How about before you go asking others to seek out information for you, you plug "5K walk at the Phoenix Zoo" into Google and see what comes up? My goodness, it's a link to this page. And another to this page. And a link to a PDF registration form! Hey, there's even an article about last year's 5K!

For fuck's sake, in two minutes I found enough information to qualify as an expert on the subject. How can you have 218 Facebook friends and not understand something as simple as Google?

I was going through an old co-worker's blog and found a post from about almost two years ago demanding that all three presidential candidates vow to end the use of torture. In the post, she noted that John McCain, a victim of torture while a P.O.W. in Vietnam, noted that torture doesn't work to get valuable information from prisoners.

Then it occurred to me that maybe it's not information that we're trying to get.

About a week ago, AMC ran First Blood. The mention of McCain and the comparison of American prisoners of war in Vietnam and Al-Qaeda suspects in Guantanamo Bay reminded me of the flashback scenes where a mustachioed John Rambo gets tortured by a Vietnamese commander but refuses to give him any information. The flashback is triggered when police try to shave the scraggly Rambo against his will.

For those who are familiar with the movie, you'll know what happens next and you'll understand the genius of the Bush administrations pro-torture policies.

Steadily, tortured prisoners from Guantanamo have been released. "Reluctantly," the Justice Department has decided they have no useful information and that a case against them might not stand up in court due to all that torturing.

Once the prisoners are sent back to society, they'll find it hard to fit in. It's not their fault. You try sitting in a room for eight years with no contact to the outside world without someone stomping on your testicles every couple of days and even you would find life has quite changed. "Eye-phone?" you'd ask much to everyone's amusement. "What's an eye-phone?"

In today's economy, it's hard enough to get a job as a busboy with a clean record. Now imagine if you have been accused of plotting terrorist acts, have no idea who Miley Cyrus is, and freak out any time you see a white person with a towel and/or a pitcher of water. The former Guantanamo prisoners will have no choice but to become aimless drifters.

Meanwhile, Americans are training police forces in Iraq and Afghanistan with the hope that these countries will serve as beacons to other Middle Eastern countries to imitate their unique freedom.

Put the pieces together and you have a bunch of wayward drifters with guerrilla training wandering the highways and byways of the Middle East and a bunch of American trained police officers trying to keep their towns safe. And what are American-trained police trained to do?

Hassle drifters!
It's so simple! The Al-Qaeda terrorists will return to the small towns of Iraq, Afghanistan, and other enemies of democracy and freedom. There they'll be asked to move along and when they ask if they can just stop in a restaurant for some yalanchi, they'll find themselves being tormented and mocked by the Middle Eastern-equivalent of rednecks with badges.

The next thing you know:

Middle Eastern cities would be wiped out, one by one, by a contingent of fundamentalist Muslim Rambos. The plan is brilliant in its simplicity and effectiveness. Within five years, Al Qaeda's years of training jihadists will be the Islamofascist world's undoing!

The only concern is that we must purge the remaining Guantanamo prisoners within the next year or two. Anyone who has seen Rambo: First Blood Part 2 understands we don't want Osama bin Laden tracking down an imprisoned Islamic Rambo and offering him the chance to go back to Cuba to free his comrades and "win this time."

Upfront, I have to admit I don't listen to a lot of "new" music. By the time something hits my radar, it's usually been out for a couple of years. Going through my listing of all the MP3s I own dated 2009, 149 are from The 99 Most Essential Tchaikovsky Masterpieces and 50 Essential Classical Film Moments. If I were to pick my favorite album I bought this year, I'd probably lean toward Bongo Rock by The Incredible Bongo Band, a 2006 collection of music from the late 60's and early 70's.

With that substantial warning tag, here are my eight favorite songs of 2009:

Gameplay Music/Theme from I MAD3 A GAM3 W1TH ZOMBIES 1N IT!!!1
Xbox Live players could download this game for one dollar, as the theme will inform you. When I first saw people linking to gameplay video, it took two or three viewings before I realized the fun of the lyrics about making a game with zombies in it.

We Will Robot Rock You from DJ Hero (Daft Punk vs. Queen)
As long as we're talking about music from video games, here's a video game ad that lasts about a minute, which means I spent easily two hours of the past year listening to this song. I really don't want to play DJ Hero, because I'm certain I'll suck at it. I just want them to release the MP3s of all the mash-ups done for the game, starting with this one!


Like a Life on a Prayer by [MMM] MadMixMustang
Staying on the topic of mash-ups, a significant chunk of my hard drive was taken over by downloads from Bootie USA thanks to monthly reminders from Chris Sims on Twitter whenever new collections are available. My favorite of the 2009 additions was this soulful mix of my favorite Bon Jovi song with a nod to Madonna at the end.


Never Gonna Give Your Teen Spirit Up (Rick Astley vs. Nirvana) by DJ Morgoth
This is a more straight up A+B mash-up, but is done excellently and was a nice change of pace from normal rickrolling.


Hurt Feelings by Flight of the Conchords
Kicking off the "stuff I actually paid for" portion of the list is my favorite song off Flight of the Conchords newest album, I Told You I Was Freaky. There are a few good songs--maybe not as many as last year's self-titled album--but the clincher for me was the heartfelt cries of "I'm a man! I'll try a small men's wet suit!" and "The day after my birthday is not my birthday, mum!"


Science is Real by They Might Be Giants
I've been a big TMBG fan since I first heard Ana Ng in junior high and I've been kind of torn by the fact that they've done so much kids' music in recent years. On one hand, it gives me a chance to expose my kids to TMBG, but, on the other, I want some music for me. This year's Here Comes Science is another kids' album, but it covers topics that a lot of adults might find a little too intellectual.


Storm by Tim Minchin
For a more adult version of the above song--and by that I mean fuller and more thorough, not pornographic--check out Tim Minchin's tribute to rationality.


If I Didn't Have You by Tim Minchin
Minchin's Are You Ready for This? was my favorite album this year. His humor and ability to address serious topics in a well-thought-out and reasonable way that cuts the legs out from under opposition. In this song, he explains why many love songs are statistically wrong. Other great songs from the album include The Good Book, laying out many of the flaws in the bible, Confessions, one man's attempt to reconcile the passion he knows he should have to fix all the things he knows are bad in the world with his true passion, and A Song For Phil Daoust, an open letter to a critic. When I hear it, I change the name "Phil Daoust" to "Terry Cole." I'm sure there's someone in your life you'll be able to substitute into the lyrics.

When I saw Star Trek this summer, one of the first things I said when I left was "How many times did Kirk hang on for his life from something by his fingertips?" Rewatching it the other night reminded me, so I compiled this:

Answer: 6, though only 5 where his life was in danger.