Hal Jordan Should Have a Fat Ass

Bloggified by Jake on Friday, December 23, 2005

The way I figure Hal Jordan should look like if Louie Anderson ate Dom Deluise and Tyne Daly in one sitting.

This revelation began with a conversation between Chris and I about Frank Quitely's cover to All-Star Superman and the fact he made Supes look a bit "pudgy."I countered that Superman really shouldn't be muscular. Think about how you build muscles when you work out. You have to break down muscle by pushing your limits, then allow it to recoup, stronger and bigger than before. Considering the yellow sun provides all the effort Kal-El needs to toss a Buick into the next state with one finger, how is he going to build bulging biceps or big firm calves? 99% of what Superman does, even when he's saving the planet from certain doom, is as effortless as breathing is to you or me. And if we're talking about Silver Age Superman, who could push the entire planet out of harms way then put it back when the kamikaze comet had passed, that percentage is even greater.

So, why am I picking on Hal Jordan? Because Hal's ring allows him to put forth even less effort than Superman. Hal doesn't even have to get up to get the remote control if it's on the coffee table out of his reach from the couch. Summoning his willpower and imagining the remote in his grasp will prompt his ring to shoot out a big green hand to grab it or cast a green bubble around it to float the remote back to Hal or construct some kind of elaborate slide worthy of the world's greatest water parks to deliver it into Hal's lap. Once he has it, Hal doesn't even have to push the buttons himself unless, I suppose, they happen to be yellow.

Hal flies wherever he's going, so he's not walking. He uses his ring for anything more strenuous than pouring a glass of milk, and probably uses it for that as well. Hal Jordan should be burning slightly more calories than the average coma patient and that's only because he moves his eyes around more than they do. Yet artists portray him as ripped. Even Alex Ross (who paints Batman as having a pot belly) shows Hal as a slim, fit guy with a distinct hint of six-pack abs.Let us not also forget that Hal is one of the more senior members of the JLA. Personally, I just turned 31 and know that it takes me about eight potato chips to gain a pound and about twenty hours on a Stairmaster to lose it. Hal Jordan could be the universe's greatest hero without ever having to leave his recliner nor put down his meatball Hot Pocket. When he's done saving Athmoora from a supernova, he doesn't even have to unscrew the cap on the tequilla to make celebratory margaritas--unless, again, the cap is yellow, but that would be horribly shortsighted on Hal's part--so what's keeping him from ballooning up like pre-rehab Matthew Perry?

I understand that DC has an iconic figure in Hal Jordan and don't want to portray him as Jabba the Hutt's fatter cousin, but there's an entire corps of Green Lanterns. I want to see one who joins up, then realizes he never has to get out of bed again, and becomes one of those guys who gets so fat he can only wear a bedsheet and the only way he can get out of the house is if the fire department cuts down a wall. He still manages to save millions of lives on a daily basis, but never again sits up under his own power.

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