Ninja Made Easy Week: Tool Time

Bloggified by Jake on Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Being a ninja, like any other hobb--whether it be collecting comic art, needlepoint, amateur porn film production, or golf--starts out as fun and challenging, but then come the upgrades. Needlepoint is fun, but imagine the awesome embroidery you can do with a Husqvarna Viking Scandinavia 400. Hitting the links with friends is fun, but think how impressed they'll be when you pull out a new Great Big Bertha and tee up one of the newest Tiger balls by Nike.

Sure, you can get by making exhilirating ninja hand shadows and climbing castle walls with your back to them, but eventually you're going to need some ninja bling if you want the other ninjas on your block to take you seriously. Ninjitsu: The Art of the Ninja devotes several pages to such exotic weaponry as "knife" and the always popular "nunchaku."The inclusion of a description of nunchaku implies the creators of this comic assumed at least one person who purchased it hadn't already tried to build his own nunchaku in either shop class or his dad's tool shed. I'm not sure if that I should be embarrassed by their ignorance or thankful they are giving me the benefit of the doubt (a benefit I don't deserve as I made mine with some pieces of garden trellis, twine, a staple gun, and some duct tape then proceded to flail my thighs and forehead for about ten seconds before I decided I'd had enough).

But weapons aren't all the ninja has to make other ninja-wanna-bes jealous. Hey, Jesus, suck on this!I appreciate the fact the writer, Peter Brody, really had high hopes for his readers. He doesn't imply strapping a couple of mixing bowls might help you walk from one side of your above-ground swimming pool to the other. Hell, no! We'll be busy crossing castle moats! Throughout the book, his instructions are always about infiltrating enemy camps or entering fortresses or storming moat-encircled castles.

Of course, the ninja's most important tool is his ninja sword, or as it is known by its technical term, his "Ninja sword." One interesting element of the ninja sword is the large, square handguard which can be used to convert the ninja's deadliest and most important weapon into a step-stool for easy roof access.Of course, should you use your ninja sword for the much needed boost to get onto a roof that appears to be six feet to six-feet-and-three-inches high, you should also be sure to practice your ninja "talking my enemies who are on top of the roof out of beating my ass since I left my sword on the ground" skills. If you are a particularly polite ninja, you may be able to talk your enemies into holding you by the ankles and lowering you off the edge of the roof so you can grab your sword.

The shame of it is that this poor ninja had to abandon his sword by the side of the house while he lept to the roof, leaving himself vulnerable. If only there had been some alternative item for him to step on... or three for that matter.Tomorrow, we learn the secrets of a ninja's invisibility!

But not like "Kevin Bacon in Hollow Man" invisible. More like "when my daughter and I play hide and seek and I duck all the way behind the arm of the couch" invisible.

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