Supergirl: Radio Shack Shill, Part 2

Bloggified by Jake on Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Previously on Superman in Victory By Computer: Starring The TRS-80 Computer Whiz Kids and Special Guest Star Supergirl...

  • Superman and Supergirl tried to sell some trumped up calculators to school children.
  • Supergirl flirted with a teacher.
  • Supergirl invented the concept of the internet.
  • In a desperate attempt to avoid further contact with obnoxious sixth graders, Supergirl got herself trapped by bad guys.
And now the thrilling conclusion...

Supergirl wakes up alone in a plush room. She can't see through the wall because her x-ray vision is too weak. She comes to the conclusion that the solar panels are emitting red solar radiation into the room, keeping her powerless. Which brings up a point anchormonster Morbo made after reading the first half of this review...Solar panels collect solar energy and convert... they don't emit beams of radia... you know what? Fuck it. These solar panels are also radiation guns that create a level of solar energy capable of rendering Kryptonians powerless and power an entire mansion full of complex electronic devices... like guns that create a level of solar energy capable of rendering Kryptonians powerless.

Regardless of the logic behind it happening, Supergirl is powerless and is fully aware of that fact. So, what's a girl to do?Please, kids, always remember that if you lose all your superpowers, that will include your superstrength!

There are two doors to exit the room. Outside one, a guard can be heard through the door, reading a magazine...

Hang on, did this just become a text-based adventure?

You awaken in a LUXURIOUS ROOM without any windows. There are two exits, one NORTH and one WEST.

That door is locked. You can hear someone outside, reading a magazine.

Are you sure you want to do that?

He is probably a guard. Are you sure you want to KNOCK ON DOOR?

That door is locked.

The door is orange with two large letter P's and two dice decorating it. It is locked, though you believe you could probably pick the lock if you had the right tools.

You are carrying a TRS-80 POCKET COMPUTER.

That will not work here.

There is a desk.

In the drawer, there is a paperclip.

You are in GAME ROOM.
Why even tell them you are Supergirl? Just call the police and say you're being held prisoner, and, regardless of who you are, they should at send a cruiser by to check out the situation. What kind of police officers does Metropolis have who would reply to a woman's calling in a report of being kidnapped with a chuckle and a disconnect?

Rather than take the chance of being thought a practical joker, Supergirl turns to the TRS-80 Computer Whiz Kids. She figures out she's being held at the Purple Palace, a place that's recently shown up in some headlines, though she can't remember why despite having read every Daily Planet article ever written just a few hours earlier. She also can't remember how she got there or where the place is, even in general terms.

However, she has no trouble remembering the number printed on the phone that the TRS-80 Wonder Kids used the day before. Yes, it's up to the Alec and Shanna to use the not-yet-referred-to-as-internet to get Supergirl rescued.

And you thought it was pathetic when she couldn't beat up a stupid monster without Brainiac 5.

Fortunately, using the Videotek is as easy as one...Two...
Thr--well, actually, there were about four steps there--five if you count listening for a high pitched signal as a seperate step. At this point, writer Cary Bates has completely given up on this story and is just copying his dialogue directly from the Videotek instructional manual. You can tell because if he were still trying to squeeze a good story from this nonsense, the kids would at least be saying something like, "Oh, wow! Far out! Super!" He also starts dropping deus ex machinas like he bought them really cheap because their expiration date is tomorrow.

The kids find some articles about the Purple Palace, including its street address, and call her back.What kind of idiot did the bad guys post outside that door who doesn't get the least bit suspicious when the prisoner starts receiving phone calls in a locked office?

Deus ex machina #1: Superman arrives as soon as the kids hang up the phone.He takes off to save Supergirl, but finds...

Deus ex machina #2: she's found a secret escape tunnel.But considering there are no criminals around, except the phantom magazine reading guard, what can Superman and Supergirl do but wait five seconds for...

Deus ex machina #3: Lex Luthor's gang shows up at that exact moment.... and forunately...

Deus ex machina #4: Supergirl red solar radiation wears off at that exact moment.It should be noted, these last four panels are all from the final two pages of the book, adding to their deus ex machina-ness.

We learn the red solar panels were all part of Luthor's scheme to get out of prison by exchanging Supergirl for his freedom. Not to nitpick, but Luthor promised he would escape the day before, which he failed to do. Second, if he planned to use Supergirl as some kind of negotiating chip, shouldn't he have mentioned to someone that his goons had her in custody? He put a lot of time and effort into this plan just to forget the part where he actually demands a ransom of some sort.

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