Wisdom of the Ultimate Warrior, Part 2

Bloggified by Jake on Friday, June 9, 2006

I have a problem with things that don't make sense. I don't mean "I have a problem" like, "this doesn't work for me" or "I am put off by these things," but rather "I have a problem" like "psychotherapists probably would advise me not to read comics like Warrior #2 for the good of my entire family." I take great pride in my intelligence and my ability to solve problems. Unfortunately, unlike TV dramas where Monk or House or the CSI team have a defined series of clues and a clear outcome they must reach as provided by a script, real life is not so clear cut. Often in real life there is no answer, or at the very least the answer is: "Because _____ is an idiot and didn't know any better."

Case in point, the very first dialogue exchanged in this comic. Who are these two? We never find out. They never appear again in the entire comic. The comic opens with an extablishing shot outside Warrior's gym, Warrior University and this is apparently supposed to be some random discussion happening outside to help flesh out the scene. I understand this much, but why these lines?

Having conflict here doesn't work. If you're just trying to establish a scene, you want to have a natural flow of conversation:
"Pencil me in..."
"You got it, dude!"

If you're going to have conflict, it should be clear what it's about and should promote the storyline. Something like:
"With Warrior gone, I guess that makes me the big dog around here."
"Get a life, musclehead!"

Instead, I want to know why the first guy seems to be wrapping up a friendly conversation--you don't just say, "Pencil me in..." to a random person walking by or to strike up a conversation--while the second guy is being rude and blowing the first guy off. This dialogue reminds me of a poorly translated video game, but I'm pretty sure Warrior wasn't cribbing this all from Japanese.

Now that I've thoroughly analyzed what's wrong with the two lines of dialogue uttered by the two random characters standing in the establishing shot and whom we'll never see again, do you see what I mean about having a problem? Remember when I said this comic just gets worse with every page? Well, that little bitch session was about the best dialogue you'll read in this entire issue. So I hope you enjoyed it because it's all downhill.

We learn through random text boxes, fragments and run-on sentences ("A showing of helplessness the big man isn't here."), and some pointless discussion between some women at the gym that Warrior is in a coma and his significant other is at his bedside. The best part of this opening in the gym is that Jim Callahan's art can make Rob Liefeld and Michael Turner feel better about their grasps on anatomy.What she can just feel (I think) is that things are't quite right without the Warrior around. Some cosmic balance is off at the gym without his influence. This point is further driven home by two guys who take turns internalizing a fear of confrontation while making overt threats to the other.Is this an attempt at humor? Is it Warrior's commentary on infomercials? If so, how... uh... topical... You know what else is funny, Ultimate Warrior? Parachute pants. All the kids are talking about 'em.

And what's up with the guy in the white shirt's arm and head? His back looks more like a chest, so it appears his head is twisting 180 degrees, but then the torso kind of cinches down into that narrow pelvis and pinched-cheeks ass.

Bad art aside, we have another conflict that's come out of nowhere and makes no sense even if it has started in medias res. How would you interpret someone putting his poorly drawn hand in the general vicinity of your pec as an attempt to steal your shirt? On the other hand, what the hell is that other guy doing with his hands there?

Sadly, this is the end of the gym scenes and, thus, the end of the "real world," also known as "the part that we should be able to understand without needing to refer to a glossary or essay or other Warrior source materials."

From here, a streak of light zips through the cosmos, passing planets and stars on its way to Earth. Once on our planet, it winds its way through cities on its way to the comatose Warrior, all the while accompanies by babbling nonsense captions."An energy bound by a purpose... directed by an insatiable desire... to make pointless retribution of something that happened long ago. A travel itinerary developed by commitment. No short cuts... no layovers... The whoever or whatever of energy had been well versed in this route before ..." Warrior apparently wrote a good chunk of this script hanging out with emo kids at coffee house open mike nights.

For parsec after parsec, spanning the universe, the energy manages not to run into anything, weaving it's way around planets and skyscrapers alike. Until for some unknown reason it explodes a door and whips through a room like a tornado.Now, did that just happen? Or was that symbolic of something? Who is that guy in the last frame? He may be an important character in another issue, but that frame is all he gets here, and the fact that Jim Callahan isn't very good at differentiating faces makes it hard to tell just how many different long haired guys are in this comic. Why would this cosmic energy decide to play ring and run with his door after avoiding everything else in the universe up to that point?

I also hate to keep harping on the art, but... come on! I mean her face is... with the gritting teeth and the... it's just... look at his nose and tell me... just... I mean... come on!

Okay, energy force hits Warrior, awakening him from his coma just long enough to yell out and terrify his girlfriend/wife before being knocked out again so his mind can battle on the "Terrain of Testament" in the galaxy of "Destrucity."And Destrucity is where things really stop making sense.

0 sarcastic replies:

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)