Wisdom of the Ultimate Warrior, Part 3

Bloggified by Jake on Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Ah, anticipation maketh the heart groweth fond. Yea verily or something like that. All I'm really trying to say is my computer isn't exactly working correctly, but I've figured out how to confuse it for another month or so, meaning I can finally bring you the rest of our Ultimate Warrior philosophy lesson. If you missed the previous editions, catch up here and here.

Oh, and judging from the lack of comments on my last post, I guess other people just aren't as curious about the appeal of hermaphoditic anime schoolgirls with penises (I can smell the Google hits as I type this) as I am.

The remainder of the story takes place in the universe of Destrucity, which is somehow exists both on the physical and metaphysical planes. It's supposed to be an actual place, but all the events that take place are clearly symbolic and are happening in the comatose Warrior's mind. This is also why the narration captions become color coded, as mentioned on the inside cover of the comic, with red and yellow captions representing the id and superego respectively, though Warrior doesn't use the Freudian terms, prefering the terms "a can of butt-kick is getting ready to be opened" and "let's-think-this-situation-through" to describe the two opposing points of view.

When the Warrior arrives on this strange planet of giant ice crystals, he is wearing wrestling boots and tights, fingerless gloves, ribbons tied around his biceps, and has a stylized "W" painted on his face. Though he is confused, he is not cold, because he has faith, the "strength to uphold that which we cannot comprehend... comprehension... restricted by that which we can grasp and hold within our vision."Before we go any further, the term "foked" is another one of Warrior's made up words. "Foke" is the same as "focus," only Warrior felt the "us" in "focus" implied a collective spirit. To be "foked" is to have the same concentrated attention or energy, but as an individual.

Congratulations, you just lost four IQ points.

Those captions belong to those ribbons, or "Belief Banners" that Ultimate Warrior wore around his arms when wrestling.An editorial caption informs us "These banners were bonded to the Warrior by his first sacrifice," but doesn't tell us what that sacrifice was. Also, as was explained on the inside of the front cover, in this story the banners "show life for the first time and therefore speak." Because all living things speak, like dogs and trees and comatose wrestlers, and therefore it will be one of the first signs of life, like when a newborn pops out of the womb and asks, "What the F-U-C..."

The banners serve a kind of Spawn's cape role, meaning they fly around Warrior meaninglessly, adding a sense of kineticism to otherwise static, poor art. They also add stupid running commentary to everything the Warrior does, just in case the red and yellow captions aren't enough pointless drivel.

Warrior finds himself facing a massive cyclone, which represents the "twisting and turning of the world in which [people] live." Most people run and hide from this, but the belief banners drag Warrior into the eye of it so he can have a battle.A yellow caption explains that the venturing into the cyclone is symbolic of going to "the most feared place he can go... set within the eye of the beholder... [inside] himself." So to recap, the Warrior's comatose mind has been transported to a symbolic place within himself wherein he enters a cyclone that transports him symbolically inside himself.

Inside, he faces a huge mirror-like crystal with a Warrior symbol on it. From out of the crystal emerges a bluish-purple sabretooth tiger-hyena hybrid. It charges Warrior, who tears it in half with his bare hands. The best part of this whole sequence is the red caption that begins "One of Warrior embraces the beast within him..." giving us yet another definition of "warrior" as "the philosophy ascribed to by Warriors."

I also couldn't help but notice that when the Warrior tears the beast in half, he grabs it with one hand on its upper jaw and one hand on its lower jaw, yet when the aftermath is shown, the corpse is torn across its midsection and its head and mouth are still intact.Next, a mirror-finished doppelganger of the "one of Warrior" comes out of the crystal and attacks. The two fight, symbolizing the Warrior facing "the truth of himself," because, as the Belief Banners inform us, there's "nothing like kicking the shit out of yourself... cleansin' oneself of the guilt and negativity."Once the blue-steel Warrior is down and defeated, he glows green and turns into a floating, genitalia-less toddler, reaching "for the child within... mistaking weakness for compassion." Warrior then shows us how one of Warrior acts when seeing a helpless gravity-defying child requesting a hug.According to a yellow caption, "Those who are ideal... stand equally prepared to sacrifice the weak as they do in conquering the strong." Just so you know, my father is an assistant attorney general who represents the state in child abuse and neglect cases and he's assured me this defense would not keep you out of jail if you hit a six year old hard enough to shatter him into thousands of pieces, so be sure if you do so, you are either in another galaxy or within a cyclone of self-symbolism where he has no jurisdiction.

Having beaten himself in a fist fight, Warrior becomes aware. "Well aware... of what has been done and what [he is] becoming."How he plans to go about taken back all that has been taken is unclear. For that matter, it's unclear what was taken. Or why it was taken. Or by whom it was taken. If it was sacrificed, the yellow caption above would imply that one of Warrior shouldn't care, much less shake his fist at the sky and scream about taking it back, so apparently whatever is being mentioned wasn't part of the sacrifices.I have no idea who that is at the end. I believe it's the no-longer-comatose Warrior, but it could also be the long haired guy with the Michael Jackson nose who witnessed the exploding door that may or may not have exploded earlier in the book depending on whether that explosion was symbolic or not. Hell, the way Jim Callahan draws it could be the Asian guy who tried to steal the informercial T-shirt or the black girl who could just feel "it" back at the gym.

Regardless, it's pretty clear from the way this was written that "Your presence is requested..." is supposed to be the "No, Luke... I am your father" of this story. Our reaction to this panel is supposed to be "Holy crap! I never saw that coming! This is fuckin' awesome!" and not, "Huh?"

One Last Thing
I know I made fun of Jim Callahan's art in Warrior #2 quite a bit. In case you're wondering what Warrior thought:

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