Feeding My Sickness: Part Two

Bloggified by Jake on Thursday, July 6, 2006

Before I get into the final installment of the Warrior comic (though, sadly, I can almost be certain not the final installment of my rants about the comics), I would highly advise anyone who is even 1% interested in the insanity of the Ultimate Warrior to go to your Netflix list and add The Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior. You will not be disappointed. It's worth watching just for Christian's recreation of Ultimate Warrior's Wrestlemania 6 promo.

On to the story of Warrior #4, which promised to be the penultimate chapter in--but instead became the ultimate issue of--Warrior. With Jim Callahan gone and on Warrior's bad side, the art chores fell on the shoulders of the "Sharp Boys," who may or may not be a DJ duo from England. That's all a Google search turned up.

It's mind boggling to imagine what might have happened in issue three. You'll recall all of issue two took place (we concluded) in Warrior's head while he was in a coma. By issue four, he's out of the coma... I think... and hiding out in Parts Unknown.

To help explain, when he was wrestling, Ultimate Warrior was introduced as being "from parts unknown." It made his character more mysterious than if he'd been from Scottsdale, Arizona, as if he just showed up out of nowhere to kick ass and no one had ever seen him before. In his interviews, however, Ultimate Warrior started referring to Parts Unknown as if it was the name of a city, threatening to take the championship belt back to Parts Unknown or saying something like, "The weather was very hot today in Parts Unknown."

In the comic, Parts Unknown looks a lot like if the Jetsons lived in Bartertown from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, futuristic, but dirty and run down. Warrior is looking out a window, because "a window, no matter it's (sic) placement, offers one an opportunity to study and learn. A chance to see what has not yet been seen."

Just in case you didn't understand when you saw the picture of the Warrior looking out the window, Warrior provides you with an explanation of what a window is, both physically and metaphorically. Even better, if you didn't understand what "looking" is, he explains that as well.I believe he then remembers being genetically engineered by a creepy scientist. Then we're introduced to a team of Reaver-like cyborgs who may be outside in the square where Warrior is looking or might be another thing the Warrior is just thinking about while "utilizing the filing system of his mind."

Meanwhile, in the real world, such that it is, some evil guy is running around in the form of the wrestler Warrior, killing 42 political leaders, including President Bush (the first one), Nelson Mandella, and Pope John Paul II.Oddly enough, despite the fact major world leaders get brutally slain in every city where Warrior wrestles, he keeps getting booked to do shows. You would think police wouldn't have too much trouble finding him, considering he's performing in front of large crowds and is being advertised as a competitor. At the very least, you would think after a dozen or so other guys were killed, if Warrior was booked to wrestle in Madrid, José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero would leave town for the day.

The evil Warrior visits a truck stop in Indiana, where everyone immediately recognizes him and starts quietly talking shit about how they could beat up the fake wrasslin' guy. Despite the fact all eyes are on him the entire time he's there and everyone sees him go into the bathroom, one of the guys walks in, loudly boasting about how he could kick Warrior's ass, and then is shocked... SHOCKED to see Warrior standing at the urinal beside him. Warrior responds the by grabbing the guy by the face, lifting him over his head, and slamming him head first into the urinal up to his chest.Warrior then drives away, only to be followed by two semis. Assuming he's being pursued for the purposes of revenge, Warrior whips a bootlegger turn, jumps out of his SUV, grabs ahold of the bottom of one of the trucks, and rips the truck to pieces with his bare hands!Warrior then tears the heart out of a guy who tries to brain him with a wrench, jumps back in his SUV and takes off for Arizona, which is 150 miles away, indicating Indiana and Arizona are very close together.

By the way, the press coverage later indicates the trucks were from Titan Entertainment, the WWF's parent company, and calls this "sports entertainment's greatest hour." I'm guessing this had to have been done after Warrior was released by WWF in real life, though in the story it's explained the Warrior gave Vince McMahon the "F-off."

Somehow, the wreckage of the semis winds up in Parts Unknown and the real Warrior and the Reaver rip-offs are all there and the trucks and people float or something and there are big guns and... goddammit... I have no idea. See if you can make any sense of this page. And just so you know, this isn't out of context. The only set up is Warrior standing on a cliff.The next panel has a huge, ghostly Warrior hovering in the sky--think Simba's dad talking to him in cloud form in The Lion King--saying, "One more stop for love." This prompts Warrior to shout, "NEVER!" and shake his fist at the reader.

And that's the end. There very last panel has one of the Reaver wannabes sitting next to a pennant that says "Next Issue," but offers no description of what the final issue will offer. It's like having a box of cereal that says "Enriched with a full recommended daily allowance of."

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