For the Love of Superman: Lois vs. Jimmy

Bloggified by Jake on Monday, August 7, 2006

The following is the first of three stories I'll be reviewing from Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #60, another of the books I picked up in San Diego and cover-to-cover one of the stupidest comics ever printed.

The story "Lois Lane's Greatest Rival" is an imaginary tale that finally addresses the question of who Superman loves most: Lois Lane or Jimmy Olsen? It begins with Superman putting Lois in charge of a lead case containing a chunk of gold kryptonite. Some crooks barge in after he leaves and hold Lois at gunpoint, demanding she hand over the box. She refuses, saying she'll die before she betrays Superman.

Just as the crooks fire their guns, Superman swoops back in, deflecting the bullets. As he takes them to jail, he realizes that if Lois is ready to die for him, maybe their love is true after all. He returns after dropping off the crooks and proposes.Lois is so jealous of Jimmy, selfish bastard that he is for asking Superman to save him as his experimental "jeticopter" plummetted toward the ground, that she considers barring him from the wedding. Lana Lang talks her out of such a rash move, pointing out that Superman would likely name Jimmy his best man and that once Lois and Supes are married, Jimmy won't be hanging around as much. Lois agrees and the wedding takes place, with Jimmy as best man asking to be the first to kiss the happy bride, a kiss Lois dubs a goodbye kiss because she refuses to share her husband with anyone.

Unfortunately, while honeymooning on Honeymoon Asteroid, Lois and Superman get an unexpected emergency call.Superman happily returns his pal to Honeymoon Asteroid and lets him hang out, which consists of a lot of ignoring Lois and laughing while they reminisce about past adventures. A few days later, back at home, Superman rushes out during a candlelight dinner to save Jimmy again. This pisses off Lois, who demands a second honeymoon in Atlantis since it's been almost a week since their first honeymoon.

In Atlantis, Lois is finally happy... for the most part. She's a little annoyed by a merman servant who is constantly attending to the couple, because "more than anything else, [she] wants to be alone with [Superman]," which in 1965 was practically like screaming, "Stick it in balls deep, big boy!" Surprisingly, the servant reveals himself to be master of disguise Jimmy Olsen.Lois takes his watch and throws it into a tank full of electric eels that is kept conveniently around for Atlantean guests who want to electrocute things."Hee hee hee! The next time some mobster is shooting Jimmy in the head, I bet then he'll feel sorry for screwing up my honeymoon!"

When Lois gets home, she is plagued by Jimmy-related nightmares, like the Kandorian Jimmy Olsen look-alike squad crashing her first anniversary or Bizzaro Olsens bringing funeral wreaths to the hospital after she gives birth to her first child. When she wakes up, she walks into the living room to find an entire group of Jimmy Olsens, prompting her to completely lose her shit.Jimmy goes on to explain that Perry White assigned him to cover their honeymoon and that he hadn't meant to get in the way. Which raises the question if this is how Jimmy Olsen stays out of your way, what's it like when he's really trying to annoy you?Further, Jimmy explains that everything he's done to ruin Lois's life was really a big favor so she'd do another favor for him.Superman then explains that a year ago he'd promised to bring Jimmy's fan club to the Fortress of Solitude on this date and Jimmy signalled him to make sure he wouldn't break his word. What? Jimmy signalled, but Lois damaged it! It was off by two-and-a-half hours!"Ha, ha, Lois! You're so stupid! So, will you hook me up with your sister?"

0 sarcastic replies:

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)