Lois Lane and Lana Lang Sleep Together

Bloggified by Jake on Tuesday, August 8, 2006

Today, I noticed for the first time that the title of this comic isn't Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane, but rather Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane, which is a playground semantic we all remember from second grade.

"Superman has a girlfriend! Superman has a girlfriend!"

"No! No! I mean, she's my friend... and she's a girl... so if she calls herself my girlfriend then what she means is she's my girl... friend."

Continuing our disection of Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #60, we reach the cover story, where Lois Lane and Lana Lang seal themselves in cryogenic chambers to sleep for five thousand years so that Superman will feel bad about being mean to them until he dies long before they emerge from the chambers.

The cover blurb states that the tables are turned, but I don't think that metaphor really works. When did Superman go into hibernation for five millennia because Lana was PMS-ing? Supposedly it's because Superman is going to suffer the way they have suffered, but again, when did Lois have two women who regularly mucked up her life with their second-grade antics to trick her into kissing them lock themselves in an experimental sleep chamber only to emerge long after she is dead?

The sad tale begins at what should be a happy occassion, a charity ball where Lois and Lana, possibly the two most successful career women in all of Metropolis, are prancing around in their underwear being cockteases to every rich man in the city.Both ladies have to turn down all their marriage proposals though because they are hung up on the one man they can't have, who just happens to be at the same party helping make money for charity with a kissing booth.Granted, the girls were a little overzealous, but there had to be a better way to handle the situation. If you were the third woman in line and saw Superman call the two ladies ahead of you idiots and chew them out in front of the entire gala affair, how inclined would you be to cough up a dollar for a smooch? I'd be terrified he might think I was using too much tongue and punch my head clean off my neck.

The two women are horrified by Superman's blunt honesty, which continues on into the next day when he takes them to the Fortress of Solitude.I like the idea that Superman has been listing all the stupid things they've ever done, non-stop for about twenty hours.

Inside, Superman takes them on a tour of the Fortress for a feature article in the Planet and a segment on "I Remember Superboy." The most interesting object in the Fortress proves to be an experimental sleep chamber Superman invented to allow sick people to hibernate until a cure for their disease is found.

With the girls snapping pictures of the sleep chambers, Superman excuses himself to go patrol the world for petty crime. When he returns, he finds the two idiots have proven his point.Unfortunately, Superman can't just turn off the machine, which raises a few questions about the practicality of the machine. If you have cancer, climb in today and set the timer for one hundred years, but cancer gets cured two years from now, you're screwed. You can't jump out, get your cancer cured, and spend the rest of your life with your loved ones.

And what disease could you have that doctors would estimate a cure is five thousand years from discovery? There's no reason to hibernate for more than two or three hundred years at a time. If you pop out after three hundred years and they still can't cure AIDS, just lay back down and set it for another three hundred.

Unfortunately, Superman learns that's not the only flaw in his machine when he flies forward in time to 6995 to be there when Lois and Lana wake up, no doubt to call them idiots. Can you imagine how disheartening it would be to sleep for five thousand years to avoid one person and have that same person be the one who greets you with a hearty "Dumbass!" when you wake up? In a sense, the two ladies got off easily, not having to look at Superman's smug, stupid face.

Superman returns to the past, but can't do anything to change the course of history. Having seen Lois and Lana rot to bits before his very eyes, he's haunted by memories and winds up moping around for two and a half pages--during which time no one else seems the least bit concerned that they are gone--before he spots the two inside the bottled city of Kandor.

They explain that the Kandorians helped them teach Superman a lesson about being such a big meany by creating android replicas to put in the deep freeze and fool Supes. The ladies had been hiding in the city all along waiting to spring the super gotcha on him.Chicks, man...

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