I Love Lucy

Bloggified by Jake on Monday, January 22, 2007

Off topic, I've already mentioned that Saturday was my son's birthday party. As long as I was firing up the scanner, I figured I'd share one of his gifts.What makes this so special? Look closer for perhaps the grossest use for Play-Doh ever--and that's saying something considering 95% of what I make with the stuff either looks like a penis or a turd.While not as gross, there is also a mold to help you make ticks and fleas that you can pick off the puppy.Okay, enough jibber-jabber about off topic stuff (which seems to be the majority of what I've done [when I've done anything] for the last month or so), let's get back to that magical time in the 1950's when pregnant women were commonly prescribed heroin, their ensuing children needed something to read, and books like Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #36 filled that need.

In this landmark issue, DC introduced a new character, Lucy Lane, who served two purposes. On the surface, Lucy was a romantic interest--some would argue a beard--for Jimmy Olsen, but Lucy's secondary purpose seems to be making her crazy-ass sister seem perfectly normal in comparison.

In "Lois Lane's Sister!", Jimmy goes to pick up stewardess Lucy at the airport, falls immediately in love, and deftly combines desperation and stupidity for the next nine pages all the while ignoring every warning flag Lucy prominently displays to ward off any man who might even think about a long term relationship with her.

In an attempt to impress Lucy, instead of taking her immediately to the Daily Planet so she can be reunited with her sister, the only reason she's come to Metropolis, Jimmy takes her to the Superman Museum."Right, because hopping on a plane and being personally flown around by the world's greatest superhero are fairly comparable. So, tell me about the time you visited Dinosaur Island. Or when your plane flew fast enough to take you back in time to witness a great Revolutionary War battle. Come on, bitch, impress me."

Unfortunately, this isn't what Jimmy says. Instead, he keeps trying to show off for Lucy and win her love--because we all know true love is born of being impressed by your mate's name-dropping. He convinces Lois and Clark to go on a double date with Lucy and him, picking up the tab for everyone at a Superman-themed restaurant even if it means dropping an entire week's salary.

Afterward, Jimmy confides to Clark that he wants to marry Lucy... having known her for almost fourteen hours and all. Unfortunately, with his superhearing, Clark can eavesdrop on Lucy and Lois and knows Lucy isn't at all interested in Jimmy. She's going to be on a chartered flight full of rodeo stars and thinks maybe she'll be hook up with one of them.

Were stewardesses really such huge sluts back in the early days of aviation? I never understood why on shows in the 70's, like "Three's Company," it was always kind of understood when someone said, "I have a date... with a stewardess!" it was implied that was some kind of extra special bonus.

Anyway, Jimmy can't take a hint and sneaks aboard disguised as a cowboy.Here's where Lucy really starts making it clear she's nothing but trouble and Jimmy makes it clear he is blinded by lust. First off, when the girl you want to marry doesn't recognize you just because you're wearing a hat, you can be pretty sure you haven't made as great an impression on her as she has on you regardless of how much money you spent on her Supersteak at dinner last night.

Secondly, when her reaction to a guy who "flirts" by tying her up with a lariat is:... you should probably realize that girl's not the kind you take home to mom. Of course, Jimmy's an orphan--and borderline retarded--so he makes up a preposterous story about his great roping skills.Again, Jimmy, if you can carry on a conversation about something as inane as your ability to stand on the back of a jetliner and lasso oil derricks with a girl you spent the previous evening with and she never says, "Wait a minute, you're the guy I agreed to go out with next Saturday," you probably should reconsider your plans to spend the rest of your life with her.

Perhaps she's just distracted by "Twirler" Thompson's idea to gain her back. Twirler inadvertently makes Jimmy look smarter by virtue of coming up with a stupider plan than Jimmy's, figuring somehow that making everyone think he accidentally fell out of the plane and died will make Lucy more likely to date him.Luckily for Jimmy, Superman is flying alongside the plane and guides his lasso around the dummy, earning "Tex Bolton" a date with Lucy. Of course, Jimmy is planning to show up as himself instead, expecting to catch Lucy and take advantage of her desperation at being stood up by the billionaire and catch a pity date--which she'd already agreed to go on so Jimmy tricking her into not dumping him is really kind of a disappointing victory.

The next day, Jimmy realizes both that he has to get home and that Lucy is on a flight full of inventors heading to a convention. Fearful she might be swept off her feet and decide to stand up the billionaire oilman, Jimmy devises a plan to kill both birds with one stone, stowing away on the inventor flight and overshadowing any potential scientific suitors.

His fears prove well founded when "Genius" Jones puts a helmet on Lucy that spits out a picture of her as a queen, which makes her consider dating him on Saturday. Most people might think of posing as an inventor to sneak onto an inventor flight, but Jimmy opts for another route.In a tin suit rented from a costume shop, Jimmy completely fools Lucy, which should again set off sirens in the cub reporter's head. Not only is Lucy not quite bright enough to realize this robot is a fake, she actually becomes completely enamored with it."Omigod! You eat food? We have so much in common. I want you inside me, robot." Wha-huh? You already have made dates with two guys and, instead of going out with a billionaire, you're considering dating a mechanical man based on the fact he doesn't drink oil?

Inventor "Genius" Jones nearly exposes Jimmy for a fraud, but Superman helps him out with a stage magician trick. Supes gives Jimmy a black hood to wear under the mask, then by turning off most of the lights on the plane "to protect his delicate mechanisms" and standing in front of a black wall, Jimmy is able to take off his head, "proving" he's a real robot.

Unfortunately, as soon as he fully convinces everyone he's not a guy in a robot suit, Jimmy's robot mask seals shut and he panics, suffocating. When "Genius" Jones busts him out of the suit, Jimmy admits he was Tex Bolton as well and was just trying to keep Lucy from dating anyone else.Again, I'm not really sure why Jimmy is so excited that Lucy is agreeing to actually honor the date she already made with him. For that matter, what makes him think she's going to show up considering she'd already made plans to go out with him, three other guys, and a robot without ever telling him she was going to cancel? In the next five days, she could make three dozen more dates and he'd never know.

However, she does live up to her end of the bargain, going out with Jimmy on Saturday night, where he pops the big question... on their second date. Unfortunately, while Lucy implies she'd like to marry Jimmy--their knowing each other so well and everything--but promised she'd never marry before her sister, because apparently the Lane family has a strong Shakespearean influence.

So, Jimmy is left knowing the only way he can be with the girl of his dreams forever is to convince Superman to marry Lois.

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