Jimmy Olsen Rocks!

Bloggified by Jake on Monday, January 15, 2007

By 1965, those who'd bet rock-n-roll music was just a noisy fad that would go away soon were realizing they would never collect on those bets. Instead, as happens with all edgy, daring, "dangerous" trends, rock became mainstream, was accepted by mass culture, and was emasculated to the degree of being considered harmless enough to be featured in a Jimmy Olsen comic.

In "The Swinging Superman," Jimmy Olsen goes to the airport to meet Lucy Lane, who may or may not be his girlfriend. He sure acts like she is in most of the comics I read, but Lucy never seems to feel any sense of commitment to Jimmy. I get the feeling somewhere along the line Lucy gave Jimmy some "let him down easy" kind of line like "With my hectic schedule, I really can't be with anyone right now," or "You're a really good friend, Jimmy, and I don't want to ruin that with sex." Jimmy interpreted whatever she said to mean, "I really want to be with you when I finally can so you should just wait and remain completely hung up me." The poor guy has spent the past few years picking her up every time her flights get in, chauffeuring her around when she's in town, and buying her dinner every chance he gets, hoping she'll finally come around to settling down with him, when in truth she's banging a different guy in every town and hangs out with Jimmy just so things won't be awkward for her sister back at the office.

In this case, Lucy doesn't even bother to hide her philandering ways. She's been on a plane with Rick Rock, rockstar, and when a rich, famous heartthrob offers to take you to dinner, you don't say, "Sorry, I'd love to but my sister's dumbass co-worker is waiting to pick me up and I have to pretend I don't loathe him."

Jimmy sees them together and gets mad, but the throng of Rick's teenage fans beats him mercilessly for saying anything bad about Rick Rock.Having had his ass kicked by fifteen year old girls, Jimmy decides to beat Rick at his own game. Much like every other person in America does some time between fifth and tenth grade, Jimmy overestimates his limited musical training and declares he's going to start his own rock band! Furthermore, it will be the bestest band ever and then Lucy will totally be in love with him!Luckily for Jimmy, Perry White's more than willing to make the debut of his copyboy's feeble attempt to woo a girl who's out of his league into a front page story on a major metropolitan newspaper and Superman is willing to come hang out, which always attracts a crowd.

Plenty of people show up, except the band's drummer who is inexplicably late. Fortunately, the photographer from Teen Tunes Magazine is a professional drummer who can shoot pictures of the band with one hand while drumming with the other.

The crowd actually enjoys their first song, prompting Superman, who simply can't stand to have the spotlight shine anywhere but on himself, to share a flashback to his childhood when the entire neighborhood danced uncontrollably to a song called the "Krypton Crawl." Unfortunately, the song a tactic by a strange sea monster who was luring them all to their deaths.For some bizarre reason, this is a happy memory for Superman.

I guess the point is that Jor-El saved everyone his family, so Superman remembers it as a good thing. With his supermemory, he is able to write out every note of the music so the Carrot Top Cut-Ups can play it and if it becomes a hit they'll have to give all the credit to Superman because god forbid anything good should happen to anyone when Superman's around without his being able to take credit.

Sure enough, the song grabs ahold of Kal-El's super rump-shaker and won't let go, leading him on a march toward the sea at the head of a long conga line.Of course, the traffic cop didn't have to stop traffic. Superman could have just plowed through the cars, mowing a path of destruction in his wake, as he does through a junkyard and some rocks that dare to stand between his supercabbagepatch and the docks.

This whole time, Jimmy could stop the insanity by just wrapping up the song, but, figuring it will be good publicity, he keeps playing, driving Superman to what should be a much more serious confrontation than it turns out to be.And yet, somehow we won the Cold War any way.

Unfortunately, almost as though a bad writer were trying to foreshadow it, one of Superman's friends is not okay and is planning to commit sabotage! The drummer/photographer leaves his drum behind with a gas bomb--or something that makes even less sense--inside.The explosion is a fake and is actually just Superman throwing red dust into the air. He's faked it so the spy of unnamed nationality (Soviet) will pay off the Tiger Beat photographer, whom the police can in turn arrest for treason.

The American shipping interests safe for another day, the only question left to answer is whether Lucy gave Rick Rock a blow job on his tour bus or if she waited until they were at his hotel, but she's not letting on, instead urging everyone not to bawl, but rather to do the Krypton Crawl.

0 sarcastic replies:

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)