Who Says You Can't Go Home Again?, Part 3

Bloggified by Jake on Thursday, February 8, 2007

Jeez, three parts of this? Though I have to promise you the end of this one includes the most apathetic justification of letting millions of people die in comic book history.

Following last chapter's utter failure to build a rocket ark to shuttle Kryptonians to Earth due to the entire city of Kandor being stolen by Brainiac, Superman surrenders to the idea of dying on Krypton and figures if he's going to go, it might as well be while he's balls deep in the hottest movie starlet on the planet.Kal-El and Lyla announce their plans to get married as soon as her current movie is done filming in a few days. Meanwhile, Lara tells Jor-El of a dream she had that nearly tripped the Melodram-ometer despite not being a Superman thought bubble.And so they decide to name their son after Jor-El's gyroscope "inventing" intern who has worn a cape and the same blue body stocking with red panties on the outside every day they've known him... which has been a couple of weeks. My son is named after my grandfather, who was Gen. Omar Bradley's cook during World War II, took me to the park when I was little and pushed me on the swings for hours, and fostered in me a love of reading, art, and theatre, but I suppose I could have always let a drifter come live with me for a few weeks before he was born and given my son his name. "Tweeter Joseph Bell! You get your butt in here and pick up these Legos!"

Superman and his dad decide they have to get a gauge on just how long Krypton will last by measuring earthquakes in a desolate canyon near some erupting volcanoes. Things don't go nearly as well as you might expect in that setting and they are both nearly killed by falling rocks, crumbling footholds, and collapsing chasms.Better point to make: why the hell are you still wearing that ridiculous outfit out here on a surveying expedition? Do you think we're going to run into some movie fans in the middle of nowhere who might want to know more about your film? And, seriously, you're dating one of the biggest stars on the planet. Can't she buy you a few new outfits? I know that movie company gave you thirty or forty bucks to wear that thing when you go out, but if you ask Lyla, I'm sure she'd pay them back if they get upset about your changing into a different set of clothing for the first time in three weeks. Hell, she probably pays more to get her hair done every week than they paid you to look like an ass everywhere you go for a month.

Speaking of the movie, Lyla and Superman get word that it's ready to shoot again. The producers finally got ahold of that super dangerous, fire-breathing creature for the scene they've been waiting to shoot. Did I mention this thing is dangerous? I mean, not just dangerous, but really, really dangerous.Look, I don't think you're paying attention. If we have even the slightest mishap, this thing will fucking kill you in about half a second. Then it will sniff your charred remains, get a sample of your DNA, track down all your relatives, and burn them alive too, but on a lower temperature so they suffer. Do not fuck around with this thing! We need to be more careful than we've ever been because all our lives--oh, shit...First, "accidentally" my ass. The base of that camera's pedestal is at the cameraman's chest. The only way that happens is if he picked the thing up and clubbed the unsuspecting, fire-breathing, kill-everyone creature because he thought it was funny and/or was drunk.

So, after ten minutes of explaining just how dangerous this creature is and how careful everyone needs to be around it, it took about 40 seconds for all hell to break loose. Fortunately, instead of everyone's life being at risk, it just one lowly extra who will be burned to a crisp.

Superman and the creature are trapped in a piece of set dressing that looks like a rocket, wherein the creature's snout gets stuck in one of the rockets. He blows out his fire and we see just why the director was giving such dire warnings to everyone when the flame burst proves powerful enough to blast the rocket out of the atmosphere and into another solar system.To review, Krypton's greatest scientific minds have been trying to perfect space travel, but couldn't come up with "stuff one of those angry firebeasts from the zoo into a plastic rocket and hit it with a blunt object."

Once his rocket reaches a solar system with a yellow sun, Superman's powers are restored. No longer a mere mortal, his first thought is of all the Kryptonians who will die... and an excuse not to help them...I understand returning to Krypton would be fruitless, but there are things you can do under the light of the yellow sun. Why not build an army of Superman robots like you has on Earth, then send them to Krypton to build more rocket arks? At the very least, save your parents and fiancée! Remember the woman you were willing to die by the side of just a page ago? She loved you for you and opened your eyes to how shallow Lois Lane is, remember? Now that you're bulletproof again, you're just going to shrug all that off?

I guess I can kind of understand where Superman is coming from though. I've been in a few relationships where I was just down and depressed, maybe on the rebound, and suddenly the girl I was with became perfect in every way. Of course, in the long run, the depression goes away and it becomes apparent that "she totally digs porn and is willing to give me head anywhere I ask for it" cannot support a longterm relationship alone. In his case, Superman's been stripped of godlike powers and given a death sentence, then had Angelina Jolie beg him to do her doggy-style on a regular basis. That's a pretty big roller coaster, so maybe I shouldn't judge.

Sure enough, Superman opts instead to fly back through the time barrier to the present where he sees the remains of the planet and the people he'd loved just moments before.Sniffle... if only someone could have helped them. Someone with superpowers... of... some sort. Oh, well, what's for breakfast?

Taking all of six seconds to mourn his parents and wife-to-be, Superman turns and hightails it back to Earth.Yeah, it is good to have a second home. Too bad none of the other Kryptonians killed in the planetary nuclear blast had that option, huh? You cock...

Hey, now that I think about it. Where the hell did that firebeast go?

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