Taking a Bazooka to Continuity

Bloggified by Jake on Thursday, December 6, 2007

What the fuck, Bazooka? You have no respect for your loyal readers! My most recent purchase of your gum brought with it this abomination.Let's overlook for a second that this episode appears to be #89 of 50, a misprint that will prevent me from properly filing this cartoon until I complete the rest of the collection and determine its position by default. Instead, I ask if you considered for one second the impact this comic would have on Bazooka Joe continuity. Obviously not because even a monkey could see you have spit in the face of all future Bazooka Joe episodes!

For the next 90 years, you have locked both Joe and Mort out of any story arcs! I suppose in comic #40, when Joe explains to A.J. that he's bringing a ladder to class because he's going to "high" school--a delightful pun that can be enjoyed by all ages--I'm supposed to just pretend that didn't happen because I know Joe should still be standing before a featureless, blue wall with Mort contemplating when he will finally go on a date! Are we to assume the "high" school incident was some kind of prequel to this story? I think not! I think it's more plausible to assume your editor is incompetent!

Furthermore, how is it that in 90 years, Joe has grown a thick beard, but his and Mort's hair has not grown an inch. I will give your artist credit for drawing wrinkles on Mort's forehead and to recede his hairline, but there is no gray to the hair color and the length remains unchanged.

Most frustrating may be the suspension of disbelief you expect us to have. As an avid fan of comics, I'm willing to open my mind to some crazy ideas, such as the premise that a dairy farmer, a man well informed as to the bovine anatomy, would accessorize his cows with bells to compensate for their horns not working. However, these forays into the bizarre only work if they remain grounded in reality.

Herein, you ask us to accept that two boys stand perfectly still and silently for 90 years and don't die of malnutrition despite never eating nor drinking anything! Are we really supposed to believe Mort didn't think to prompt Joe for an answer until nine decades had passed? Mort? The same Mort who could barely wait for Joe's little sister to finish her sentence asking how he liked school before he snapped back, "Closed!"? Four minutes of Joe's silence would be deafening to Mort! Have you ever even read these comics?!?!?

Please issue a statement about this comic being a dream or a hoax or I will be forced to stop reading your fine gum-accompanying periodicals.

Sincerely,

Jake

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