Fat Lazy Americans Complain about Shopping

Bloggified by Jake on Sunday, August 31, 2008

Two people today told me they would never shop at Fresh & Easy again because of the self-checkouts. What I hear is "Hello, I am a fat, stupid, lazy American jerk who refuses to learn something new that would supersede your waiting on me like a hospice nurse." One of them then also complained because she couldn't write a check to pay for her $140 worth of butt-widening cookies, pies, ice cream, and Crisco shortening I'm guessing she probably eats by the fistful.

"I just don't like being told that I have to use a debit or a credit card," she huffed.

At that point, I was fed up with her and, given that she'd already said she was never coming back, decided to play "I'm just going to talk fast and throw out a lot of tangential thoughts to make you feel stupid until I annoy you enough that you shut up," my second favorite game in the world behind "Match Game." Oh, Charles Nelson Reilly, why did you have to leave us?

"You don't have to use credit or debit. You can always just pay in cash."

"Yeah, who carries that much cash around?"

"You are right about that. It's antiquated. Much like writing checks in a time where even preteens have debit cards. Am I right?"

"Well, um..." she blathered.

"I mean, cash? You might as well try to pay in pounds sterling! Why not just cart in a chest of gold doubloons? Ridiculous! There was this one guy who came in the other day with a note written on letterhead from the Royal Court of Charles the Third asking that I extend every credit and courtesy to him. He tried to buy some cookie dough and blueberries and wanted me to send a messenger to his royal majesty. I told him, 'No, way, Duke Whateveryournameis! You get a debit card or put that stuff back on the shelf.' Then he was like, 'Where is the cashier to ring this up for me?' I tell you, some people, right?"

She shut up at that point, paid, and I'll bet anything she comes back within a week.

Other random thoughts from work today:

  • Hey, idiot, the reason this coupon's not working is because it says "Valid July 7th-July 13th."
  • Hey, idiot, the reason this coupon's not working is because it says "Valid at any Fry's location."
  • Hey, idiot kid, that haircut might have looked good if this were 1620 and you were fleeing to the New World to escape religious persecution, but under the current situation, you just look fugly.
  • Hey, idiot, the reason that sign about the scanner says "15 or less" is because if you try to ring up more than 15 items there, it's going to cause problems for you, me, and everyone behind you in line.
  • Trees use sunlight and carbon dioxide to create chemical energy and oxygen. There has to be a way to harness the power of some kind of artificial photosynthesis to solve the energy crisis and clean the atmosphere.
  • Hey, idiot who left his wallet in the car, I know you'll be right back. You can stop making your case about how trustworthy you are. The fact that you've left your wife in her wheelchair sitting next to the register seems a fair indicator that you'll return.

1 sarcastic replies:

Joe B said...

That was pretty good. I look forward to more "Angry Jake Vs. Retail."

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