25 Things You Didn't Care About About Me

Bloggified by Jake on Monday, January 19, 2009

Because I don't have anything else to do, Rayhan Daudani tagged me in this game of arrogance. And because I am so eager for the approval of others, I don't have the psychological fortitude to say, "No, I have a friggin' novel to finish here. I will not waste two hours writing this!" here you go.

Rules: Write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

1. Dishes that are washed by hand aren't clean as far as I'm concerned. Unless the water used to clean them is hotter than human hands could endure, they are filthy breeding grounds for bacteria.

2. I lost my virginity the same night the final episode of Dallas aired.

3. I have almost all the dialogue of Strange Brew memorized. I have never gotten a girlfriend to watch the whole thing, largely because they become annoyed by my reciting dialogue along with the movie.

4. Pretty much any day I have to get up before 9AM is going to be a sucky day for me. If I could set my own schedule, I'd sleep from about 4AM to noon.

5. Because I was tired of getting the junk mail regarding my ten year high school reunion, I called the company sending it and told them "my brother Jake" had died in a car accident eight months earlier and could they please stop sending mail to him. They stopped sending the mail, but they also put an "In Memoriam" dedication to me in the reunion program.

6. I once was hit by a parked car. I was riding my bike home from my girlfriend's house one December evening and rode past a house with the gaudiest Christmas light display I've ever seen. I turned my head to look at it for five seconds or so and found myself lying across the hood of an Oldsmobile. I had to limp away and try to fix my bike in a nearby parking lot while

7. For no logical reason I can determine, I regularly confuse the words "six" and "ten." I don't confuse the numbers (such as if I'm doing a math problem), but when I say "I'll meet you at ten," I often get a reply of "But the movie starts at seven o'clock!"

8. I have a similar problem with "left" and "right." I know the difference, but unless I really concentrate I will 90% of the time say the opposite of what I mean.

9. When I get the money, I want to decorate my office entirely in steampunk.

10. I don't like being thanked for doing my job or by my friends. If I go beyond my job requirements, okay, but if I'm just doing what someone is paying me to do already, you don't have to thank me. If you're my friend, I will go above and beyond for you for that reason alone and there is no reason to thank me for anything I do for you.

10a. If you're an asshole, you should send me a nice Thank You card every day I don't bash your skull in with a claw hammer.

11. Between August 16, 1996 and October 21, 1998, I was sober 28 days.

12. During that stretch, I took a Public Relations 408 midterm immediately after drinking an entire pitcher of Bud Light. Five minutes into the test, I realized I had to pee BADLY. I finished the entire test in nine minutes and got a B+.

13. Getting out of television is the one decision I've made in life that I feel was 100% the right choice. I can't even watch TV news. At times, I have trouble separating the good people I knew from TV from the terrible, terrible business that they're in.

14. Five ways you can immediately make me lose respect for you:
a) listen to country music
b) watch soap operas, American Idol, TV news, or anything on Bravo, MTV, or E! (other than "The Soup")
c) go to church
d) tell me what political party you're registered with
e) buy name brand groceries when they aren't on sale

15. I generally aim to appear 30-50% dumber than I am. If Sun Tzu is right and "There is no greater disaster than underestimating your enemy," then there is no greater asset than having an enemy underestimate you.

16. I would really like to get into Parkour, but have to pretty much admit that I'm too busy, old, and out of shape for that to happen.

About two years ago, I was doing some reading about how to get started and one of the articles made mention of what to do if you hurt yourself two hours into your workout, asking "should you push through the next two hours and risk an injury that might cost you a few weeks or ease back and not get the full effects of the workout?" Four hours a day?!?!

17. My ultimate musical goal in life is to sing "Oh, Canada" on the ice at a Toronto Maple Leafs game. My penultimate musical goal in life is to learn to play the bagpipes.

18. When I was a senior in high school, I was a shoo-in for one of the male leads in the comedy play to be put on during the second semester. The drama coach, not wanting me involved, decided to make it a musical comedy, since he knew I wasn't in chorus. While I was sulking in my room about this, my sister came in and pointed out that when I sang along with Frank Sinatra songs, I sounded "just like Sinatra... and he's one of the greatest singers in the world. If Frank Sinatra showed up for an audition, there's no way Mr. Olsen could not give him a part." I did a toned down Sinatra impersonation, was asked by everyone including the chorus teacher why I wasn't in chorus, and was an obvious choice for one of the leads. Instead, Mr. Olsen decided to cancel the play.

19. I once masturbated 13 times in one day in high school. The story got around and became an urban legend to the point that Joe Grund overheard someone at a coffee shop talking about it. Unfortunately, while the story made the rounds, the phrase "the Chuck Yeager of self-abuse" didn't catch on the way I'd hoped it would.

20. I harbor serious doubts that my son is really mine.

21. I want to get a doctorate, but I can't decide if I want to get it in history or economics. Probably history because the only reason I find the idea of an economics doctorate appealing is the fact that economics doctorates are notoriously difficult to get.

22. I dislocated my left thumb when I was little and to this day it will pop out without any warning under even the slightest pressure. When that happens, it's a second and a half of the worst pain I've ever experienced.

23. I have a serious problem with people who root in sporting events for college's that they didn't attend.

24. I refuse to be an organ donor because I figure my liver/kidneys/heart/whatever would only serve to keep some jerk alive to piss off someone like me.

25. Goddamn do I hate that Fox NFL robot.

1 sarcastic replies:

Jason said...

Numbers 12, 19 & 25 make you a true American hero. If there was a God, I'd ask him to bless you Jake.

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