The Case for Torture

Bloggified by Jake on Thursday, January 7, 2010

I was going through an old co-worker's blog and found a post from about almost two years ago demanding that all three presidential candidates vow to end the use of torture. In the post, she noted that John McCain, a victim of torture while a P.O.W. in Vietnam, noted that torture doesn't work to get valuable information from prisoners.

Then it occurred to me that maybe it's not information that we're trying to get.

About a week ago, AMC ran First Blood. The mention of McCain and the comparison of American prisoners of war in Vietnam and Al-Qaeda suspects in Guantanamo Bay reminded me of the flashback scenes where a mustachioed John Rambo gets tortured by a Vietnamese commander but refuses to give him any information. The flashback is triggered when police try to shave the scraggly Rambo against his will.

For those who are familiar with the movie, you'll know what happens next and you'll understand the genius of the Bush administrations pro-torture policies.

Steadily, tortured prisoners from Guantanamo have been released. "Reluctantly," the Justice Department has decided they have no useful information and that a case against them might not stand up in court due to all that torturing.

Once the prisoners are sent back to society, they'll find it hard to fit in. It's not their fault. You try sitting in a room for eight years with no contact to the outside world without someone stomping on your testicles every couple of days and even you would find life has quite changed. "Eye-phone?" you'd ask much to everyone's amusement. "What's an eye-phone?"

In today's economy, it's hard enough to get a job as a busboy with a clean record. Now imagine if you have been accused of plotting terrorist acts, have no idea who Miley Cyrus is, and freak out any time you see a white person with a towel and/or a pitcher of water. The former Guantanamo prisoners will have no choice but to become aimless drifters.

Meanwhile, Americans are training police forces in Iraq and Afghanistan with the hope that these countries will serve as beacons to other Middle Eastern countries to imitate their unique freedom.

Put the pieces together and you have a bunch of wayward drifters with guerrilla training wandering the highways and byways of the Middle East and a bunch of American trained police officers trying to keep their towns safe. And what are American-trained police trained to do?

Hassle drifters!
It's so simple! The Al-Qaeda terrorists will return to the small towns of Iraq, Afghanistan, and other enemies of democracy and freedom. There they'll be asked to move along and when they ask if they can just stop in a restaurant for some yalanchi, they'll find themselves being tormented and mocked by the Middle Eastern-equivalent of rednecks with badges.

The next thing you know:

Middle Eastern cities would be wiped out, one by one, by a contingent of fundamentalist Muslim Rambos. The plan is brilliant in its simplicity and effectiveness. Within five years, Al Qaeda's years of training jihadists will be the Islamofascist world's undoing!

The only concern is that we must purge the remaining Guantanamo prisoners within the next year or two. Anyone who has seen Rambo: First Blood Part 2 understands we don't want Osama bin Laden tracking down an imprisoned Islamic Rambo and offering him the chance to go back to Cuba to free his comrades and "win this time."

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